WOW, WHAT A QUICK YEAR ! TO BE HONEST, I DIDNT EVEN REALISE IT WAS A YEAR SINCE THE BLOG WENT LIVE UNTIL I CHECKED MY BANK BALANCE AND WORDPRESS TOOK A PAYMENT (HAHAHA) SO IT LOOKS LIKE IM ANOTHER YEAR DEDICATED. I JUST WANT TO SAY A BIG THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO LIKE , SHARE AND COMMENT ON MY SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS AND WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ MY BLOG POSTS.
I ALSO WISH TO THANK MY FAMILY FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE OF ME AND FOR COMING ALONG ON THIS AMAZING JOURNEY.
i HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE A FEW WEEKS OFF TO REASSESS THE WEBSITE AND BLOG AND CONCENTRATE ON GIVVING YOU TOP QUALITY CONTENT ON BOTH SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORMS AND OF COURSE THE BLOG.
2020 WAS A CHALLENGING YEAR FOR ME, FOR ALL OF US !! AND WHILE I WANTED TO DEDICATE 2020 FULL TIME TO THE BLOG, NUMEROUS LOCKDOWNS , HOME SCHOOLING, COLLEGE RESEARCH AND WORKING FROM HOME HAD KIND OF STEPPED IN THE WAY. SO FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS , FROM MAY 1ST, THERE WILL BE:
1 NEW BLOG POST A WEEK (FRIDAYS) **Starting April 30th
NEW PODCAST IN THE WORKS (SOOOOOOO EXCITED)
NEW CONTENT ON MY INSTAGRAM , FACEBOOK AND TWITTER
WEEKLY VIDEOS ON MY NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL **STARTING MAY 3RD
NEW END OF MONTH NEWSLETTERS COMMENCING IN MAY
AS ALWAYS, IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS ON WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE FEATURED OR DISCUSSED YOU CAN EMAIL ME AT : firstname.lastname@example.org or via my contact page BY CLICKING HERE OR VIA MY SOCIAL MEDIA LINKS HIGHLIGHTED ABOVE.
HAVE A GREAT APRIL, CANT WAIT TO SHOW YOU ALL THE NEW CONTENT
I think its safe to say that most of us are aware what is meant by a bucket-list, but for those who don’t, a bucket list as defined by bucketlist journey is “a list of things you want to do, see or achieve before you die” . So where did the term bucket – list comes from? Well according to macmillan dictionary online, Bucket list comes from the phrase ‘to kick the bucket’ which is a figure of speech meaning ‘to die’.
I am afraid of dying but to be honest, Im much more afraid to let life pass by without living. I often question the meaning behind bucket list sometimes. Is a bucket-list something we only do when life circumstances put us in a position where we feel the need to do it or is it much deeper than that?….perhaps we are needing fulfillment in our lives or maybe a life well lived is only validated by the things we do during the time we have here in this world. I have been on on a quest to 1.write a bucket list and 2. to complete it since 2015. Having experience trauma, growing up poor, close family deaths & missed opportunities, I craved a life of experience. I wanted to experience what is war really like to live life and my bucket list was designed around that ideology.
So what does a bucket list have to do with it ? Well , i wanted to write down all the things I have wanted to do, things that make me happy and the things I would love to have. The list made me more accountable and as the saying goes…..
In March 2016, I was struggling with depression and even getting out of bed was a struggle. I was struggling with how I was feeling but I kept going for the sake of my daughter, One day, while on an afternoon out to the library, this bright orange book that stood out amongst thousands of others… I carefully menovered it out from being forcefully wedged between others books on the shelf and flipped it over to see “The Last Lecture” in big bold writing.
I went home with it, curious as to what the book was about. And that night, things for me began to change. You can find a brief synopsis of what the book is based on in the video below but i do highly recommend that you read the book !!
After reading the book in a short couple of days, I was inspired to take action and appreciate the life that I had. I began creating a bucket list that gave me goals to achieve that ultimately gave me purpose to get out of bed. I wanted to strive for greatness, I wanted to be the best mom for my daughter, I wanted to feel free, I wanted to feel me again or create this new persona that was me but with a new approach to life. So one day as my daughter slept, i found a piece of paper and began to write all the things I wanted to do…… (here is some of what was on my list )
Go back to college and get my degree
Get my honours degree
buy a car
learn to swim
Go to venice and experienced a gondola…….
(all of the above are completed by the way….woooohoooooooo)
Although these may simple to some, to me these were huge and the probability of achievement were unrealistic at the time. But having these goals wrote down gave me something to strive for, it made me work hard and appreciate more. It gave me my life back, when it was overtaken by depression and crappy circumstances !
Initially, I wanted to achieve my 101 things to do before i turned 30 but i put myself under too much pressure. I have set myself a goal to pack as much as I can in before 35, I’m now 31. So that’s 4 years. I’m not racing to complete these but I have given myself a time-frame because life should never be taken for granted nor should time!!
If you have any suggestions on what you think should be included on my list, feel free to leave a comment below or on my social media platforms !! Here’s one final short clip to enjoy !!
I am a big girl. I always have been despite trying to change my appearance on numerous occasions. I have fasted, I have skipped meals, I have done gyms, I have done diets…I have done it all. No matter how many times i have lost weight, i find myself back to being a big girl. Is this how I’m suppose to be ? I have been body shamed, I’ve been bullied, I have been called fat, ugly, disgusting, I was even called a mongrel. I was told that I could not do adventure races, climb mountains or run a 10k race. Well I did go on to do those things and to be honest, the majority of activities i competed in was to prove to others that I ( a plus size person) could. I guess, in a sense, I was seeking approval that I could be a plus size person and still do what others do. I may be fat but I am worthy of inclusion. I have accomplished so many other wonderful things in life but i often feel my achievements are often overlooked and forgotten about because I am not the perfect size 10 with loads of friends with a perfect social life.
I have spent years trying to create happiness based upon societal opinions of what lives should be like in order to be worthy or acknowledged as perfect. But constantly trying to conform with other peoples definition of happiness and love divided a wedge between who I thought I was and who I want to be.
I was the fun one to be around always making jokes but inside my heart was filled with sadness. I was always considered the confident one but the truth is, I do not have any of self-esteem. I was masking. The reality was I was creating a noise to drown out people’s hurtful opinions about how I look and my own self-criticism.
At the weekend, was shown a picture of myself that was taken recently. I looked at the photograph for what seemed an eternity and all I could see was this woman and all the changes she would have to make for society to deem her eligible for acceptance. I see someone who does not like themselves because society said its not ok to be fat and that fat is ugly. I seen a woman in the picture who would need to lose weight, get a tan, put makeup on, get their hair and nails done just to be on the bottom step of the pretty ladder. I see someone who was hurt, who endured sadness, who had to fight to get where they are. I also see someone who just wishes that she could tell herself look beyond the exterior of her own body and love herself just the way she was, but I could not.
That night I cried. I cried a lot. I just could not believe that the woman in the photograph was me. It was a realisation that I was not happy despite smiling and laughing and having fun with friends. I realised that happiness and love would only happen if it began with myself.
And like peeling an onion, these past few days I have been asking myself questions like what makes me happy and how can I learn to love myself? Although it may not seem difficult for some to find such answers, I’m finding it hard.
Its going to take a while but I have trust in myself that If someday, I see a photograph of myself, I’ll realise that the woman I see in the picture is who she is suppose to be and I love her because of that.
Its become quite evident that in a world of influencers, paid collaborations and hashtagged ads, we have become too consumed by the ability to generate social media likes & follows to perhaps subconsciously validate ourselves. My plus size life and I blog has many aims. 1. To share with you my world as a plus size person. 2. To create a platform where plus size people can share their journey and stories and 3. To empower and encourage.
I have always been a big girl. I was the fat kid, the chubby one, the big boned one. I have been called the ugly one and the one that no-one liked. I was always judged and people always seemed to automatically assume I was big because I ate alot .
Throughout my teen years my weight fluctuated, I had gone from a size 16 to a size 10 and back up to a size 20. After the tragic death of my mother, having a baby , dealing with depression, going back to college, being diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) i’m finally realising that size has nothing to do with happiness, its how much we love ourselves that brings true joy to our lives.
So a brief introduction to my blog, I will talk more through more of my life in the next post… Thanks again for all the support, and i do hope this blog will bring some comfort to you. Remember, your happiness does not come from other peoples opinion of how beautiful you look, happiness comes from kindness, happiness comes your ability to love beyond looks , happiness comes being your true authentic self.. whether we are plus size or not…
Stay Home, Stay Safe x
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